Understanding yourself and others
I have observed that often conflict internally and externally comes from a lack of understanding and the stories we tell ourselves. Some of the things that I have learned below, help me to understand myself and others much better and enable me to coach much more effectively.
Our view of the world
We are constantly taking in information through our senses and processing it at an average rate of 4 million bits of information per second. Much of this information is absorbed unconsciously. Consciously trying to process all this information wouldn’t be sustainable or practical. In order to manage this our nervous system filters it.
Our individual filters are determined by our perceptions of time, space, energy, our understanding of words and gestures, our memories, the unique way we go about making decisions, the patterns we look for when selecting information, our values and beliefs, and our overall attitude.
We then delete, distort and generalize information according to our unique filters. Once incoming information passes through our filters a thought is constructed. This ongoing process results in thoughts coming together to create internal representations (or maps of reality). Internal representations take the form of sensory perceptions. Our internal representations instantaneously trigger corresponding states, which in turn motivate all our behaviours.
The reality that we experience is largely determined by what we do inside our heads. This means that everyone experiences any given situation differently. It’s our internal representations that determine how we view the world and everything we experience. We unconsciously manipulate sensory information to create our subjective perceptions, based on our current set of filters.
Filtering is not a passive activity. We actively scan for evidence to confirm our existing views, thereby creating the self-fulfilling prophecies that form the illusion of a reality. Understanding how our filtering affects our state and therefore how we communicate, provides the agility to change strategies in order to better understand people, as well as to be better understood.
Some of these filters are our..
Values – These are the things that are most important to us. Values are our next most unconscious filter and are based upon our experiences to date. Values determine what the individual considers to be right or wrong, good or bad.
Beliefs – These are what support our values. Beliefs are what we hold to be true, about ourselves, others and the world. Whether religious or not, we all have beliefs, and the quality of our beliefs significantly influences our life.
Attitudes – These are the values and belief systems that we have about specific things.
Memories – These are the past individual and collective experiences that influence our current perceptions. Our present behaviours are significantly influenced by our collections of past memories.
Decisions – These are the past decisions about who we are and what we are capable of. They affect the decisions that we are faced with in the present. Past decisions are what create our present values, beliefs and attitudes, therefore they influence how we respond to current situations.
What we then do is….
Delete – With the extreme amount of information entering and being processed by our nervous systems, we’re forced to omit certain aspects of our current experience by selectively paying attention to only aspects of it.
Distort – We misrepresent our reality through distorting our experience of sensory information. Being intimidated by certain people, frightened of a harmless situation, procrastinating, or misinterpreting what someone says, are examples of how people distort reality.
Generalise – The process of learning and drawing conclusions so that information can be applied. For example, a negative experience may generalise through a person’s life, i.e. being bitten once by a dog can result in a phobia of dogs.
Knowing about this enables us to communicate with greater flexibility, while understanding other points of view. We are able to relate to people easily and respond to them better. This builds rapport and allows for more successful outcomes.
Conflict
The Thomas Kilman conflict model below helps us to understand the different ways in which we can respond in any given situation. It is considered that the most productive approach is Collaboration. Often understanding ourselves and each other better and having a better appreciation of each other’s perspective, can give us a far greater chance of achieving a collaborative approach and thus lessening the likely hood of competition, avoidance, compromise and accommodation.
The difference – less conflict, less frustration, greater confidence, better leaders, more valuable relationships, happier humans, better outcomes, greater success.
